For one, I don't have anywhere the cat could live. Right now I go back and forth between my childhood bedroom in a suburban area of Los Angeles County and the NYC apartment shared by my boyfriend and his roommate. I constantly worry that I'm a burden but they don't see me as one, which is somehow worse. It feels like I'm taking advantage of their optimism. They see me and think I have potential. They think I will be self-sufficient, in a week, in a month. When really I'm wasting my time on a virtual cat app.
I can't afford to care for a cat either. I'm unemployed so I don't make an income that would guarantee the cat would be fed, taken to the vet when sick, or even bought toys. I still haven't learned to take care of myself. I haven't had to. My privilege is a source of shame because of how I have wasted it. I don't deserve this security and comfort I've never had to work for. When anyone talks about my "potential," they aren't talking about me, exactly. On paper I'm mediocre, the rejection letters remind me of this. My potential comes from the fact that someone worked hard for me to get an education. It comes from someone who knew someone who knew someone that could get me an internship. In a vacuum, on my own, I am not able to take care of a cat. Probably because I spend all my time on my computer or phone.
Instead of working on myself, I downloaded a free app. I built a virtual home. No risk, no tangible reward. The bright screen rules my darkened days, the blinds closed and the windows shut so it doesn't matter which coast I'm on.
Instead of working on myself I started a blog.
I haven't earned your attention. I am not extraordinary. I am not capable. But what I am is a child of the internet. I was raised on YouTube where a minute long home video could gain millions of views. I watched as that evolved. A high schooler stands while someone else comments on his shoes and uploads the video to Vine. He now has a scholarship and a modeling contract. The Internet has given everyone a voice whether we have earned that privilege of not. Whether we have potential or not. For those of us with the time, the support system and with access to the necessary technology the Internet is the perfect platform.
I am not extraordinary. I am not capable. I'm not responsible enough to care for a cat. But I blog therefore, I am.
